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Crazy Bible)
Eye problems? Step 1: Rip out your eyeball, Step 2: Throw it away, Step 3: profit!
- Matthew 5:29:
"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish..."
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If your hand causes you to sin, you must cut it off
- Matthew 5:30:
And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
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Lust and looking at a woman is the same as adultery
- Matthew 5:28:
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
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Jesus' prophecies should have already come true
- Matthew 24:34, Mark 13:30, Luke 21:32 :
"Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things [the end of the world] be fulfilled."
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How to identify a real Christian
According to scripture, a real follower of Jesus has some cool powers, among other things, the ability to cast out devils and demons, speak in gibberish, drink poison without becoming ill and magically heal people:
- Mark 16:17-18:
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
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Don't worry about how to live, eat or clothe yourself
God will take care of everything. Don't worry about it!
- Matthew 6:25:
Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
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Make sure to add salt to the animals you sacrificially burn
- Leviticus 2:13:
Every grain offering of yours, moreover, you shall season with salt, so that the salt of the covenant of your God shall not be lacking from your grain offering; with all your offerings you shall offer salt.
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Interracial marriage causes plagues and disease; murdering an interracial couple will please god
- Numbers 25:6-13:
And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. While God is talking to Moses about hanging up the dead bodies, one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees the happy couple he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died.
How many did God kill for "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab"?
And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand;
And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel.
And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, (25:10-13)
"Phinehas ... hath turned my wrath away from the children of Israel."
For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting priesthood.
Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, hath turned my wrath away from the children of Israel, while he was zealous for my sake among them, that I consumed not the children of Israel in my jealousy.
Wherefore say, Behold, I give unto him my covenant of peace:
And he shall have it, and his seed after him, even the covenant of an everlasting priesthood
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