Thou shalt not kill or take the Lord's name in vain, yadda-yadda, we know about that, but did you know there are many more rules that Christians need to follow?
How important are these rules?
- Deuteronomy 28:15:
But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee
Only hypocrites pray in public. You should keep your prayers to yourself, in private.
- Matthew 6:5-6:
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
[edit] Public proselytizing will land you in hell!
"Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven." This is unambiguous... if you go running around in public spouting off about your beliefs, you're not welcome in heaven.
- Matthew 6:1:
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
[edit] God will not forgive those who refuse to forgive others
- Matthew 6:15:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
[edit] God can't stand handicapped, blemished, injured or disfigured people
God can't stand the sight of crippled people.
The blind, the lame, dwarfs, people with funny noses or blemishes, with damaged testicles, or broken hands or feet, crooked backs, or who have scurvy or scabs, or who have anything superfluous must not approach the altar of God.
- Leviticus 21:17-21:
Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.
Actually, it seems if you're even unwilling to listen to the priest, you should be put to death.
- Deuteronomy 17:12:
And the man that will do presumptuously, and will not hearken unto the priest that standeth to minister there before the LORD thy God, or unto the judge, even that man shall die: and thou shalt put away the evil from Israel.
And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.
[edit] Religious people should disassociate with non-believers
- 2 Corinthians 6:14-16:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[b]? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?
[edit]Talk unfavorably to your parents and you will be put to death
- Leviticus 20:9:
For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow-man has fulfilled the law. (NIV)
[edit]When you do good deeds, do not take credit for them
- Matthew 6:2,4:
Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth. NASB
[edit]If you want to go to heaven and have a penis, you must cut it off!
- Matthew 19:12:
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
[edit]Work on Sunday, even pick up some sticks, and you should be stoned to death!
- Numbers 15:32-35:
And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation. And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.
And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.
- Exodus 35:2:
Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death.
[edit]Slaves must submit themselves to their masters regardless of how cruel they may be
- 1 Peter 2:18:
Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.
[edit]Take slaves from foreign lands, but also tourists in your town
- Leviticus 25:44-45:
Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
- Matthew 10:6-9:
But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. NIV
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." NIV
- Mark 10:22:
Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery.
- Luke 16:18:
Whosoever putteth away his wife and marrieth another, committeth adultery.
[edit]Bastard children and their decendants burn in hell
The bible makes it quite clear that children born out of wedlock cannot get into heaven, and neither can the next ten generations of their progeny. Have you looked at your family tree? What are the odds that most Christians have some bastard relative in the past ten generations?
- Deuteronomy 23:2:
"A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation."
[edit]A married man must take a year off from work
- Deuteronomy 24:5:
When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.
[edit]Wives must do "everything" their husband demands
- Ephesians 5:22-24:
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
[edit]The only legitimate reason for a divorce is if your wife wasn't a virgin
Added bonus: if you marry a divorced woman who wasn't a virgin, you also commit adultery.
- Matthew 5:31:
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
[edit]A widowed woman without children must marry her husband's brother
If a man dies before his wife has a child, then the widow must marry her husband's brother -- whether she likes him or not, and whether she wants to or not. If the he refuses to "go in unto" his dead brother's wife, the she must loosen his shoe and spit in his face.
- Deuternomy 25:5:
If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.
25:5-10 If a man dies before his wife has a child, then the widow must marry her husband's brother -- whether she likes him or not, and whether she wants to or not. If the he refuses to "go in unto" his dead brother's wife, the she must loosen his shoe and spit in his face.
25:6 And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel.
25:7 And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother.
25:8 Then the elders of his city shall call him, and speak unto him: and if he stand to it, and say, I like not to take her;
25:9 Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house.
[edit]You cannot wear clothing made of two different fibers
- Leviticus 19:19:
Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.
And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.
[edit] If a woman grabs her husband by the testicles, cut off her hand
No pity or remorse. If she grabs you by the balls, she loses her hand.
- Deuternomy 25:11:
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
"Thine eye shall not pity her."
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her."
What the Bible says about amputation and fighting.
[edit]If someone sues you for the shirt off your back, also give them your coat
- Matthew 5:40:
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
Jehova's Witnesses refuse blood transfusions because of the Bible
- Leviticus 17:10:
And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people.
A fundamental doctrine of the Jehovah’s Witnesses teaches that the Bible prohibits consumption, storage and transfusion of blood, including in cases of emergency. This doctrine was introduced in 1945. In 1964, Jehovah’s Witnesses were prohibited from obtaining transfusions for pets, from using fertilizer containing blood, and were even encouraged to write to dog food manufacturers to verify that their products were blood-free. Later that year, Jehovah’s Witnesses doctors and nurses were instructed to withhold blood transfusions from fellow Jehovah’s Witnesses.
It seems pretty definitive, for all time, no fat nor blood.
- Leviticus 3:17:
It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood.
[edit]You cannot plant different kinds of seeds next to each other in a garden
- Leviticus 19:19:
Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.
Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.
[edit]Women are to not teach nor speak, and never have authority over men
- 1 Tim 2:12:
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
[edit]Women are forbidden to show their hair and should cover their heads unless they're bald
- I Corinthians 11:6:
So if a woman does not cover her head, she should cut off her hair. If it is a disgrace for a woman to cut off her hair or shave her head, let her cover her own head. ISV
[edit]Family Values, Obedience, Submission & Control
Christians have cited numerous bible references to justify various types of conquest and control over others. If you "resisteth" God's messengers, you get what you deserve:
- Romans 13:2:
"Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation."
Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.
For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake [as they were] moved by the Holy Ghost. KJV
God does not want you to think, because if you use your brain, you might realize not everything is in absolutes: good/evil, black/white. Anything other than yes/no is evil.
- Matthew 5:36-37:
Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
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