The world according to fundamentalist christianity

• God creates Adam & Eve (Gen 1:27). So far, so good!

• Adam & Eve are placed in close proximity to the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil” (Gen 2:9). If I were a Father (a Heavenly Father, no less), I might consider a) not placing my new creation within arms reach of their demise, b) at least offering a seminar entitled “The Tree of Knowledge and You: Your Guide to not Screwing up the Universe.”

Also, am I the only one who wonders if there's forbidden fruit on the tree of knowledge God didn't really intend his minions to be all that smart?

• The crafty serpent (Satan) wreaks havoc (Genesis 3:1-4; Revelation 12:9). This has all the makings of disaster! Naive humans, doom within arms reach, and now the dark lord himself roaming the garden. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t appear to be behaving very paternally.

• Eve eats the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:6). Now you’ve done it, woman. Just for that, women will forever assume a subservient role.

• Sin and Death have entered the world (Romans 5:12). This can’t be good.

• Adam and Eve get evicted from Eden (Genesis 3:23). It’s official: life sucks. Time to get a job, and wait patiently for their inevitable fate of death.

• God locks down the Tree of Life with cherubim and a flaming sword (Genesis 3:24) I can understand why God doesn’t want these two screw-ups to live forever. However, I’m not sure why our Heavenly Father didn’t use these cherubim, who appear to be some kind of cosmic ninjas, to guard the Tree of Knowledge in the first place.

• Adam and Eve populate the Earth (Genesis 4:1, 5:3-4). Finally these humans are doing something right!

• “Sons of God” populate the Earth with humans (Genesis 6:2-4). That’s right, the sons of God can’t help but make sweet, sweet love to the beautiful humans. As one might expect, this unnatural union created superheroes. No, Seriously. The sons of God would bang humans and the humans would give birth to superheroes. AWESOME.

• God regrets making humans (Genesis 6:6) One might expect an omniscient God to have seen this coming. Particularly when, as David points out, “…All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). Rather than continue to dwell on this paradox, I recommend you have faith and do not question God.

• God plans to kill everybody (Genesis 6:7). Oh, well — it was fun while it lasted.

• God spares Noah, his family, and two of everything else (Genesis 6:18-19). The good news: Human life will continue. The bad news: sin and death, the problem in the first place, will be unaffected. This seems like a colossal waste of time and an exercise in futility, but let’s wait and see what happens before we pass judgment.

• Noah appeases God by burning some animals. (Genesis 8:20-21). Noah appears to be the first to discover that God has a soft spot for animals killed in His honor.

• God promises to never kill everyone again, gives a rainbow to show He’s serious (Genesis 8:21, 9:11-16). Apparently light did not refract before this agreement.

• Noah’s family populates the earth (Genesis 10). No word on whether or not there was cosmic copulation. Regardless, I really hope humanity does better this time.

• Humans construct the tower of babel, God disperses them (Genesis 11:1-8). Most parents are happy when their kids build a tower of blocks, but as seems to be the theme, our Heavenly Father is not like most parents.

• God calls Abraham (a.k.a. the patriarch formerly known as Abram) (Genesis 12:1-7, 17:1-14). As we see throughout the Bible God has no problems playing favorites. And what better way for the chosen to show they are on God’s short list than for them to remove the foreskin from their junk.

• Abraham’s descendants multiply (Exodus 1:7). And by Abraham’s descendants, I mean Abraham’s descendants not including the line of Ishmael. The true descendants are now going by the name of “Israelites,” after Abraham’s grandson (Isaac’s son) Jacob, whose name was changed to Israel after some kind of divine cage match in which God could not overpower him (Genesis 32:22-29).

• The Israelites leave Egypt in search of the Promised Land (Exodus 12:40-41). Israel’s omniscient Heavenly Father has delivered them after a mere 430 years, leaving death and destruction in their wake. He must have great plans for them!

• God decides to kill the Israelites and start over with Moses (Exodus 32:10). Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Everybody pisses God off and he wants to kill them.

• Moses convinces God to spare Israel (Exodus 32:11-14). Thankfully, Moses was pretty quick on his feet. I’m really hoping everyone lives happily ever after.

• God gives lots of rules for Israel to live by (Leviticus). Do: kill homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13). Do not: cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard (Leviticus 19:27).

• God and/or the Israelites kill lots of people. LOTS of people. (Bible) I think all of us can agree that every last one of them had it coming (Deuteronomy 9:3-4). Don’t try to make excuses for them just because they inherited a sinful nature and had no means of overcoming it!

• God’s favor towards the Israelites is directly proportional to their obedience (Deuteronomy 11:26-28). Like any good father, God treats his children like they treat Him.

• Israel screws up over and over again (Old Testament). One might think they would learn that their disobedience would only land them in a world of hurt, but they never do.

• God stops talking to people Well, at least He didn’t just kill everyone.

• Jesus Christ, the Messiah and Son of God, is born. (Luke 1:26-33, 2:7). Hopefully, he doesn’t share His Dad’s propensity towards violence.

• Jesus is a good guy (Matthew 4:23-25). Whew! The Son seems to be more interested in helping people than killing them.

• Jesus rejected and crucified (Mathew 27:23). Don’t get too upset — this works out well for some of us.

• Humans receive eternal life through belief in Jesus Christ (John 3:16). So you’d be a fool not to believe, right? Well, there’s a catch…

• In order to be saved by Jesus, the Father must draw you (John 6:44). The beats just keep coming. You’re headed to hell because of your sinful nature that you inherited through no fault of your own, and now your only ticket out is if your Heavenly Father graciously decides to spare you.

• The majority of people will not be drawn (Matthew 7:14) The Father will only choose a select few to inherit eternal life. It’s his prerogative and you are in no position to question him (Romans 9:14-18). Nothing to see here, folks — move along.

• Those not inheriting eternal life will suffer for eternity in Hell (Matthew 25:41). Ouch. If I were you, I’d make sure the Father draws you…

From a blog post by Brandon Hammonds[1]

See also

• Arguments against scripture
• Bible rules
• Bad Bible Advice
• Crazy Bible
• Good Bible Advice
• Magic Bible