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Bad Bible Advice
How reliable is the bible when it comes to guiding man?
Let's examine a few examples:
- It's OK to consume food cooked over the flames of burning human feces
"And thou shalt eat it [as] barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight."- Ezekiel 4:12
- If a man rapes a woman, he must pay her father 50 Sheckels and then marry her.
"If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." - Deuteronomy 22:28-29
- How to get a wife according to the bible:
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
- Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
- Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
- Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
- A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
- If you're sick, find some church elders to put oil on you and pray and you will be healed
"Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him." - James 5:13-15
- Suspect your wife may be sleeping around? Your church elder has a great solution: give her holy water mixed with dirt from the floor and if she gets sick, she's an adulteress
"Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and [there be] no witness against her, neither she be taken [with the manner] ...Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ...And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put [it] into the water: And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and uncover the woman's head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which [is] the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse: And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness [with another] instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, [that], if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, [and become] bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." - Numbers 5:11-28
- How to deal with Leprosy: Take two birds; kill one, dip the live one in the dead one's blood, sprinkle over the leper and voila!
"This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest: And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper; Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean , and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop: And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water: As for the living bird, he shall take it , and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water: And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field." - Leviticus 14:3-7
- Are you wandering the desert suffering while your God is raining down fiery serpents killing your people? Ask God for help and he delivers: Put a brass serpent on a pole and whoever looks at it will live!
"And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived. Numbers 21:5-10
- Jesus says quite clearly, if you want to go to heaven and have a penis, you must cut it off!
"For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." Matthew 19:12
- If it moves.. you can EAT IT!
"Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things." - Genesis 9:3
- Consume any blood and you are cast out. Jehovah's Witnesses refuse blood transfusions because of the Bible
"And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people." - Leviticus 17:10
A fundamental doctrine of the Jehovah’s Witnesses teaches that the Bible prohibits consumption, storage and transfusion of blood, including in cases of emergency. This doctrine was introduced in 1945. In 1964, Jehovah’s Witnesses were prohibited from obtaining transfusions for pets, from using fertilizer containing blood, and were even encouraged to write to dog food manufacturers to verify that their products were blood-free. Later that year, Jehovah’s Witnesses doctors and nurses were instructed to withhold blood transfusions from fellow Jehovah’s Witnesses. The reasoning behind this is that when one isn't able to eat, they are fed through an intravenous line. Thus they consider accepting blood that way the same as having eaten it. Which eating blood in the times of the bible probably wasn't a very good idea.
- If you marry a woman and talk bad about her, she has to prove she's still a virgin. If so, you pay 100 Sheckels; if not, she gets stoned to death.
"If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." - Deuteronomy 22:12-21
- If a man sleeps with a married woman, or a virgin betrothed to another man, they both shall be put to death.
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel. If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you." - Deuteronomy 22:22-24
If you believe in God, you can speak in tongues, handle snakes and drink deadly poison without being hurt:
- Mark 16:17-18:
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
What's amusing is this is one of the Bible passages cited by the Pentecosts, Robert Tilton, Benny Hinn and other "holy rollers" who "speak in tongues" and claim to be faith healers. How often do you see them drinking poison or handling dangerous snakes to prove their faith?
- Luke 10:19:
Whatever you want, all you need to do is pray
- Matthew 21:22:
You must look at the world in terms of absolute extremes
God does not want you to think, because if you use your brain, you might realize not everything is in absolutes: good/evil, black/white. Anything other than yes/no is evil.
- Matthew 5:36-37:
Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
Do not plan ahead
Worrying about things like global warming is a waste of time according to the bible. Live for today!
- Matthew 6:34:
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Beating slaves is ok as long as you don't kill them
- Exodus 21:20-21:
If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.
Take slaves from foreign lands, but also tourists in your town
- Leviticus 25:44-45:
Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.
Have a stubborn son? Stone him to death!
- Deuteronomy 21:18-21:
If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.
Death to everyone who works on a Saturday!
- Exodus 35:1-2:
Moses assembled the whole Israelite community and said to them, "These are the things the LORD has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death.
Jesus flunked science class
All-knowing god doesn't know much about botany
- Matthew 13:31-32:
The problem is, the mustard seed is not the smallest seed (many are smaller such as the Orchid seed) and mustard does not grow into a tree.
We can do what we want as long as we have faith, deeds don't matter
- Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.:
Jesus thought the world was flat
No amount of altitude would allow you to see all the kingdoms of the world unless the world was flat.
- Matthew 4:8:
A hare does what?
Wrong. Hares do not "chew the cud" (also misstated in Lev 11:6), but does divide the hoof.
- Deuternomy 14:7:
Birds walk on four legs??
- Leviticus 11:20-21:
God sucks at geometry too
- 1 Kings 7:23:
Circumference = Pi() x Diameter, which means the line would have to have been over 31 cubits. In order for this to be rounding, it would have had to overstate the amount to ensure that the line did "compass it round about."
Bad bible advice in the New Testament
- If you do something wrong with your eye or hand, cut/pluck it off (Matthew 5:29-30, in a sexual context).
- Marrying a divorced woman is adultery. (Matthew 5:32)
- Don't plan for the future. (Matthew 6:34)
- Don't save money. (Matthew 6:19-20)
- Don't become wealthy. (Mark 10:21-25)
- Sell everything and give it to the poor. (Luke 12:33)
- Don't work to obtain food. (John 6:27)
- Don't have sexual urges. (Matthew 5:28)
- Make people want to persecute you. (Matthew 5:11)
- If someone steals from you, don't try to get it back. (Luke 6:30)
- If someone hits you, invite them to do it again. (Matthew 5:39)
- If you lose a lawsuit, give more than the judgment. (Matthew 5:40)
- If someone forces you to walk a mile, walk two miles. (Matthew 5:41)
- If anyone asks you for anything, give it to them without question. (Matthew 5:42)
- Arguments against scripture
- Bible rules
- Bad Bible Advice
- Crazy Bible
- Good Bible Advice
- Magic Bible
- Loving Jesus
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